Unofficial Notice post-pandemic
Version 1.0 May 2020
As many of you presumably know, Woosley Naragon prides itself by encouraging innovative innovation in both technology and law. Accordingly, our firm has been placed in a position where we may be representing some of the interests of the novel Coronavirus (aka COVID-19; hereinafter, “virus”), which went viral in the U.S. circa February, 2020. The virus has certainly been innovative and, love it or hate it, it is a lifeform that commands respect. Our virus should not be sagaciously misunderestimated.
So you should ask yourself: Does the virus have a right to live more than I do? Regardless of your personal view of the sanctity of life surrounding this virus, we should all agree that VIRUS LIVES MATTER!! Consequently, since we believe that the virus deserves adequate representation, and since we’ve been asked, our firm is categorically willing to step up to the plate to vigorously defend viral interests. This does not mean that we have been specifically retained by the virus, because we have not, but we’re confident that the virus will be visiting soon enough.
Contemporaneously, we resent the verbal venom and blatant discrimination and fake news that has been directed against the virus. Baseless braggadocio and hate-speech and rhetoric such as “Together, we can beat COVID-19” should be reconsidered. Specifically, we believe that humans should learn to coexist peaceably with the virus. All of the scientists who are members of our firm firmly believe that it isn’t the zoonotic virus itself that harms people; instead, it’s the unnecessary overreaction to the virus that precipitates difficulties [guns don’t kill people; people kill people]. We believe that the typical immune system is akin to the love-child of a graceful Misty Copeland and a busty Hulk Hogan. So you don’t actually want to “boost” your immune system, and you shouldn’t blindly swallow the marketing puffery of big pharma; countervailingly, you want your cunning immune system to function delicately as advertised and as engineered. Weed might help with this détente.
Agree or disagree, pro or con, you have the opportunity to donate to our virus’s legal fund by transmitting usable currency to WoosleyNarragon@gmail.com. You could make a small difference by donating day-after-tomorrow. We hear non-stop fight-talk that the virus doesn’t respect borders or doesn’t know any borders, but have we witnessed any actual proof of this? Just because we have doctors without borders [MSF] doesn’t mean that the clever and contorting virus is likewise oblivious.
Sure, we could completely kill and defeat the virus if everyone took the Tide-pod challenge or ingested sufficient quantities of Chlorox or Clorox® that you may freely purchase with your Discovery Card on the Discover Channel—but is that really what we want? The cure shouldn’t be worse than the disease, so can we all just get along? Manifold cacerolazos are unrequired. How impressive is our little virus?—it’ll take your breath away.
Lastly, we are painfully aware that you have been inundated with pop-ups and unsolicited messages from various entities regarding this topic; therefore, we sincerely appreciate that you have taken time to read this ephemeral, inconsequential and repetitive Notice. For our millions afflicted with NSH, we heartily apologize. In summary, wash your hands thoroughly with surfactants, especially the thumbs, and please physical-distance and stay happy, hopeful and healthy and be sane and safe during these challenging financial, medical, economic and political times!